If You Shudder at Bits in Your Food
Adeline loves food, a lot of it and often, both at home and out. Usually, that goes well, but sometimes it doesn’t. For example, when she finds bits, chunks or lumps in her food.
As the foodie (that’s the kind translation of “piglet”) that I am, I actually look forward to anything involving food. I always eat my way through the holidays, because they’re essentially a succession of the best things friends and family have in their homes. With every meal, I can fasten one fewer button on my Levi’s. But there’s one course I run away from.
The Horror: Bits in Your Food
Paté with Bits
Just thinking about the starter on Christmas Eve would make me want to cancel Christmas. For the sake of (family) peace, I won’t say who I usually spend Christmas Eve with, but I will dissect the starter for you, because it’s so coarse that it can actually be dissected. It’s paté. Game paté. With that typical gamey flavor. Homemade game paté with a gamey flavor. And bits. For-fucking-real.
Texture Stress
Besides the mouthfeel of paper straws and a knife, fork or spoon made of wood, I’m also sensitive to the texture of food. Actually, I find anything that deviates from a “normal” chewing process disgusting. Take peas, for example, because when it comes to texture, I make no distinction between healthy and unhealthy. I know the whole world thinks they’re divine with a good dollop of mayonnaise on the side. But then you take a bite of those little balls and they burst when you chew them. For-fucking-real. Purée the green friends and I have no problem whatsoever, by the way. Same with kidney beans. Not really a favorite to begin with, but the fact that you first have to apply a little force to bite into a bean and then quickly end up in a mushy mess just doesn’t feel right.
It has even been scientifically researched by the Duke Medical Center. Texture is at least as important as taste. I’m not being dramatic; it’s genuinely a condition, only it doesn’t have a name yet. So we’ll hereby call it texture stress. Physically experiencing stress because of the texture of food. Sounds appetizing, right? Or, well… You get me.
Hard Bits and Greasy Chunks
My other half always slides off his chair, hiccupping with laughter, when he sees my face as the game paté makes its way onto the table again. I meticulously approach it from all sides too (as if that helps), and with a bit of luck there’s also a small piece of finely ground paté on my plate that I try to get down with bread, but with a bit of bad luck (which is more often the case), the paté also has a rim of jelly around it. So then you have hard bits, greasy chunks and, to top it all off, jelly washing through your mouth. Because no matter what you try, jelly takes over pretty much everything you eat. Even chunks and lumps.
Right in Front of You
Besides paté with bits, I also don’t like beef sausage with those same bits, sausage that’s been ground too coarsely, yogurt with lumps (for-fucking-real), silverskin (but that’s a whole different level of disgusting, of course), soup or sauce that has only been half-puréed for convenience, and chickpeas and lentils. I had to face that last rascal just yesterday: you innocently take a bite of salad and suddenly find yourself holding a lentil (?) in your mouth.
Ah, let’s just say that I’m a sensitive eater. Or a pain in the ass, that works too. But as it happens, texture stress really does exist.
Read also:
- Why Some People Shouldn’t Be Allowed to Use a Self-Checkout
- The Grossest Dining Scene in a Restaurant Ever
- Confession: I’m Buying My House Based on thuisbezorgd.nl
