Infuriating: when your gluten intolerance isn’t taken seriously
Bianca has known for a while that she has a food allergy, but not everyone takes it into account. Since discovering five years ago that she is gluten intolerant, what is ordinary food for many people has been a huge challenge for her. But not because of the food itself – her biggest problem is her mother-in-law, Els.
Bianca: ‘It’s Sunday afternoon, and the smell of freshly baked bread and spicy stew fills the living room. I shift uncomfortably in my chair as I look at the generously laid dining table. This should be a cosy family dinner, but for me it is mainly a source of stress.
Giving up gluten
It all started a few years ago. I had always had vague symptoms: stomach aches, fatigue and the occasional strange rash. I thought it was just part of life, until a friend with coeliac disease advised me to get tested for gluten intolerance. The test came back positive and suddenly my entire diet changed, and so did my social life. It took some getting used to at first, but I felt so much better when I stopped eating gluten. My energy returned, and I no longer had stomach aches. It was as if I had become a new version of myself.
Unexpected challenge
My husband supported me from day one. He helped adapt our eating habits and made sure there were always gluten-free options at home. Yet the allergy turned out to be an unexpected challenge in another relationship in my life: the one with my mother-in-law, Els.
Els loves cooking. She often invites her children and their families over for an elaborate lunch, with the table covered in freshly baked rolls, cakes and homemade pasta. The grandchildren are thoroughly spoiled with sickly sweet cupcakes and chocolate cake. When I told her about my gluten intolerance, I initially thought Els understood. But as time went on, I noticed that my mother-in-law found it increasingly difficult to accept my gluten-free diet.
Frustration
“Oh, surely one bite can’t hurt?” Els would often say as she proudly placed a homemade cake in front of me. At first, I still tried to politely explain that even a small amount of gluten could have serious consequences, but the message never really got through. Els brushed it off as a fad or an exaggerated diet trend. “We used to eat everything, and we grew up big and strong,” was her standard response.
What frustrates me most is that I don’t feel it’s simply ignorance – Els is genuinely a clever woman. No, it’s something else. She wants to be in charge and show that she decides what she serves her sons – and therefore their families – in her home. I’m also not as good in the kitchen as my mother-in-law, something she is only too happy to remind me of whenever she gets the chance. So I can never do anything right when Els comes to eat at our house. She always criticises me and routinely says how she would prepare a dish, and it is always in the way her son Bas – my husband – likes to eat it best.
Incident
An incident I will never forget happened on Bas’ birthday. Els had baked a huge apple pie, a family tradition. I had called her days in advance to ask whether she could perhaps make something gluten-free as well. She said she would think about it. But on the day itself, there was only that apple pie. When I asked about it, she said it was ‘far too much work’ to make something separately and that I could simply have a small piece. ‘We used to eat everything, and we grew up big and strong,’ she said once again. I felt so excluded.
I didn’t take a bite of the pie, but it set the tone for the rest of the afternoon. I felt my mother-in-law’s tense looks and the awkward silence at the table. It wasn’t just the fact that she hadn’t made anything for me, but more that she simply doesn’t take my health seriously. Once again, I had to explain why I was saying no, only to hear her tell me that I was really making a fuss over nothing.
Gluten intolerance isn’t a choice
Suddenly, I had had enough. Since that incident, the family dinners have become less frequent. Bas fully supports me, but I feel the distance between my mother-in-law and me growing. I’m upset about it, because it also puts a strain on my relationship with the rest of the family, even though I feel I have nothing to be blamed for. Gluten intolerance isn’t a choice; dealing with it is. I have to take good care of myself. It’s not simply a matter of not wanting to, it’s a matter of not being able to, and it’s time Els finally understood that too.’
Bianca’s name has been changed for privacy reasons. Her real name is known to the editorial team. Would you also like to share a personal story (anonymously!)? You can email us at info@favorflav.com
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