Things ALL Dutch tourists do abroad (yes, you too)

Sunglasses on your forehead, flip-flops still wet from the pool and a rolled-up beach towel with something orange under your arm. Whether you’re on a Greek island, strolling along a boulevard in Spain or on safari in South Africa: the Dutch tourist is everywhere and so wonderfully predictable.

We won’t name names, but these are the things every Dutch tourist does abroad. Including you. Yes, you there with your licorice in your suitcase.

1. Pretending you’re not Dutch

At Schiphol, you were still incredibly sociable. But once you reach your holiday destination? Suddenly you curl up as soon as you hear two fellow countrymen on the terrace saying: “I’ll have a white wine.” And then: avoiding eye contact, quickly burying your face in the menu, whispering instead of talking. Anything not to be recognized as… well, exactly what you are yourself: a Dutch tourist.

2. Pretending you’re not a tourist

Because hello: you are not going to the tourist attractions (except the highlights, of course). You know how to find the secret spots “where the locals eat too”. You know how to get around. And you like to make it clear that you’re not just here by chance. You’re not a tourist, you travel. But with your Coolblue suitcase, your Dopper and your ‘oat milk cappuccino’.

3. Always looking for a bike rental

Whether you’re in Valencia, Paris or Bali: by day two, you have to go cycling. Because nothing gives you such a feeling of freedom as cycling in a city where nobody cycles. “We immediately felt like locals!” Until you try to get right of way from an Italian scooter rider, of course.

4. Being shocked by the prices

“Four euros for an espresso?! It’s €2.80 in the Netherlands!” Or: “This glass of wine costs only four euros per bottle at home in the supermarket.” We can’t help converting everything and acting surprised. As if you didn’t voluntarily fly to a very expensive place. And we did warn you… the price differences on holiday in Europe are enormous.

5. Speaking Dutch to the staff (but slowly)

“Can-I-have-four-coffees?” followed by a gesture as if you’re sipping from an imaginary cup. The Dutch tourist always starts hopefully in English, switches to Dutch as soon as it doesn’t work immediately, and finishes with exaggerated articulation in pidgin English. Because if you speak slowly enough, it’ll work out eventually. Right?

6. Clapping when the plane lands

Not every Dutch person does it (thank goodness), but still: no plane lands without that one person who starts hysterically applauding the moment the wheels first touch the runway. And then, proudly to the fellow passenger: “He landed it pretty neatly, didn’t he?”

7. Talking about the weather in the Netherlands

The very best holiday feeling: when the weather in the Netherlands is terrible. And vice versa: nothing worse than going on holiday and finding that the weather there is worse than at home. Yes, ‘the weather’ plays a major role throughout the holiday. Whether it’s tropical temperatures or 16 degrees and cloudy, the Dutch person always has an opinion about the weather: “It’s rather humid, isn’t it.” And preferably followed by a weather comparison with the Netherlands: “Well, it’s raining there all week.” As if you still need to validate that holiday feeling.

8. Pretending to speak fluent Spanish in the Spanish supermarket

They walk around in pool slides, sunglasses on their heads, just a little too sunburned and with a basket full of chorizo, crisps and Mahou beer. But as soon as they reach the checkout, the moment of truth arrives: the chance to deploy their carefully rehearsed Spanish sentence, making it seem as though they might actually speak fluent Spanish. “Puedo pagar con tarjeta?” Their Rabobank debit card already in hand, naturally, because imagine having to improvise. The Mercadona cashier nods politely; she has heard this sentence 28 times today already, but the Dutch tourist beams with pride. (NB. I’m one of those people).

9. Leaving too little tip

In the Netherlands, we consider a 50-cent tip generous if the waiter has brought us water three times, explained the wine list and served our children’s menus with a smile. And we take that frugality with us on holiday en masse. In countries where you’re supposed to give a minimum 10% tip, Spain, Italy, France, you name it, you can already see them calculating at the table: “You know what, just round it up to 47.10. Then it’s exactly right.” Or even worse: that one €1 coin that tactically stays in the trouser pocket because you ‘might still need it for the toilet at the beach’. And then acting surprised when the waitress doesn’t say “gracias” with a smile, but walks back to the bar with a raised eyebrow.

10. Once you’re back, you’re the expert

The typical Dutch behavior comes right back with you. Once you’re home, you’re suddenly the ultimate expert on the region. Because now you know where you really need to go. You won’t find your tips on Google Maps. And yes, that one trattoria at the end of that alley—you really have to go there: “but on Tuesday, because that’s when the owner’s grandmother cooks.”

The Dutch tourist? That’s simply you

Because admit it: from your homemade bread rolls on the beach to bringing along your favorite filter coffee and secretly being happy when your fellow countrymen are sitting at home in the rain all week; it’s simply nice to be yourself on holiday. And that, precisely, is typically Dutch. So the next time you turn away in slow motion from a fellow Dutch person on a Greek terrace? Just give them a friendly nod. Because secretly, you both know: we’re exactly the same.

Also read:

• What not to do in Italy (and what you’ll probably do anyway)
• Scamming tourists? These are the biggest tricks (and you’ll probably fall for them)
• 12 disgusting French dishes you might want to avoid on holiday