Why Cooking Shows Are Actually Hell on Earth
Adeline loves food, lots of it and often, both at home and out. Usually that goes well, but sometimes it doesn’t. In the Sunday Roast series, she shares her musings. This time: about cooking shows.
Cooking shows are actually life-size mirrors showing you just how pathetically you’re doing in the kitchen with only your pepper, salt and oregano in a cupboard. They offer a glimpse of what your life could be like, but isn’t. Of what a person could put on the table in the evening, but doesn’t, instead eating takeout on the sofa with their trousers on the (food) hook at home. In short: for the layperson, cooking shows are just a little bit fucking awful.
Culinary failure
When you cook along with a cooking show, you suddenly find yourself missing all kinds of kitchen utensils and ingredients that a normal cooking person doesn’t need. I’m talking about a steamer basket or star anise. Well, damn, surely you’re supposed to have those at home? Thus confirming the failure of your culinary gene. Before you’ve actually touched a single pot or pan, you’re already standing there with flour in your hair wondering what you’ve gotten yourself into.
Chopping to the beat
When you cook along with a cooking show, you’re also under extra stress. You don’t have the time to cook something like that, but cooking shows don’t take that into account. They act as if everything is ready in a snap, but I lack the finesse to chop, stir and do everything else at that pace. So I’m constantly pressing pause, and the show ends up taking even longer than it already did.
Nothing in between
When you cook along with a cooking show, you already know in advance that the portions won’t be right. Whatever is being cooked is either often too little to serve as a filling weekday meal or far too much. It’s either a tiny bite or a seven-course menu, with nothing in between. Calories aren’t taken into account at all, so if you copied everything they cook on TV every day, you’d grow and clog up completely. It has been scientifically proven that watching cooking shows makes you fatter. I mean, you haven’t even eaten anything yet.
Conclusion: cooking shows are the moving equivalent of cookbooks. But in the end, it’s all just jealousy, and ideally I’d like to rule my kitchen like the true Miljuschka that I am, so forget what I said. Yes, I’m only saying that now.
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