Real life: Esther has ARFID and is afraid to eat almost anything

As a baby, Esther was, to put it mildly, already a difficult eater. She only ate beige food. In short: mainly bread and pasta. The latter without sauce, but with Parmesan cheese. She was diagnosed with ARFID at a young age. Esther: ‘Living with ARFID is truly a disability that very few people understand.’

ARFID: eating is terrifying

Esther: ‘Bulimia and anorexia are very well-known eating disorders, but very few people are familiar with ARFID. And unfortunately, what is unknown is unloved. I am quickly dismissed as a pain. An attention seeker. Even though ARFID is a serious condition. It stands for ‘Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder’. I really “have to” avoid certain foods. I find fruit absolutely terrifying, and there are very few products I dare to eat.

Trying new products that are everyday foods for many people, such as blueberries, can take me half an hour. I get shivers all over my body and tears in my eyes. I have had therapy for ARFID, and it did help. For example, I no longer eat exclusively beige food.’

Twenty minutes with tuna on my fork

She simply does not dare try new things when she does not know what they taste like or is unfamiliar with their texture. Over the years, she has gradually tried more and more. She tries to overcome her fear. But it is ‘hell’.

‘My boyfriend recently wanted me to try sushi with tuna. I find that so terrifying that I simply sit there with the tuna on my fork for twenty minutes. I pick off a separate piece of tuna from the sushi so I know I can chew it quickly. After twenty minutes, the smell of tuna is no longer pleasant either, so it was a very unpleasant experience.’

Afraid of gagging

‘When I was young, my mother, out of sheer desperation, sometimes offered me large sums of money just to try something. A piece of kiwi, half a strawberry: 25 guilders, if only I would take a small bite. But I did not dare, not even for money. If you do not eat fruit, which I still do not, everyone immediately thinks you do not like anything. That is not true. I eat cheese sandwiches, always with young cheese. Parmesan and young cheese are the only cheeses I dare to eat.

And of course, the people around me continue to encourage me to discover other cheeses as well. Recently, I was having lunch somewhere with a friend. She encouraged me to try a piece of brie. In public—horrifying! I am then very afraid that I will gag. Or worse: that I will throw up.’

‘You do not know what you are missing’

‘Before my therapy, trying anything new was not an option. In that sense, ARFID therapy has genuinely helped me, because I really do my best to be open to new things. People often say, “You do not know what you are missing.” I used to think, so what? I do not care what I am missing; why would I try it? But I see it differently now.

Partly because of my boyfriend, who really loves good food. He helps me face my fears. This is also called exposure therapy. When he wants to take me out for dinner, he often jokes: “Shall we have an evening of exposure therapy?”

Raspberries: too daunting

During my pregnancy, I noticed that my body really began craving fruit. It immediately turns into an obsession. I ate so much pineapple that the acidity made my lips bleed. And immediately after giving birth, 14 years ago, I found pineapple terrifying again and have never eaten it since.

I first tried raspberries two years ago. They are in season now, so this weekend I bought them myself for the first time. But eating them… I still have not dared. This morning, I found them too daunting again.’

Not an attention seeker

People are not quick to be understanding toward difficult eaters. This is also because ARFID is an irrational fear. Esther has never vomited or gagged. Yet the persistent fear remains. ‘I have a tile hanging in my bathroom. It says: “A person often suffers most from the suffering they fear.” Unfortunately, that completely applies to me. I am afraid that new things will make me ill, even though this has never happened.

Not ungrateful

People think I am strange and often take it personally if I do not like something they have made. They think I am ungrateful. But that is not true. It is all in my head. I am often dismissed as ‘that pain’; I avoid dinners like the plague, office lunches are hell, and relationships have fallen apart in the past because of my ARFID.

Of course, it is not much fun when your date barely dares to eat anything either. “Is the showstopper coming too?” someone recently asked my boyfriend. They did not intend for me to hear it, but my ears happen to function very well. That was very hurtful.’

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