Someone who’s been there tells all: why you should NEVER do a juice cleanse

I put kilos of tomatoes, courgettes and cucumbers through the juicer, the juice extractor was working overtime and the kilos were flying off. How? I did a juice cleanse for ten days. And now I want everyone to know why that is an absolutely terrible idea.

I could write a book about how the idea of doing a juice cleanse came about and how that juicer suddenly ended up in the kitchen. In fact, that was the plan: a book about people who live for weeks on nothing but fruit and vegetable juice, and feel fantastic because of it. How could I write about that better than by simply joining in? So off I went to the market for a crate of cucumbers and tomatoes, and got started. I did indeed lose a huge amount of weight – 9 kilos in three weeks – but I would still strongly advise against doing a juice cleanse.

That juice really isn’t tasty

A juice cleanse was supposed to cleanse my body. With renewed energy and a few clothing sizes smaller, I would then spring through life cheerfully. Sounds good, no? The first few days went really well! The juices were tasty and I slept like a log, surely a sign of all that new energy I was building up. Until I discovered that the juices had to contain at least 80 percent vegetables – I had cheerfully been putting apples, mangoes and pineapples through the juicer. That’s when things got difficult. Because juice made from spinach, cucumber and a green apple really isn’t tasty, juice made mainly from raw beetroot had a bizarre effect on my intestines (I’ll spare you the details), and I genuinely had to force down the juice made from celery, rocket and courgette while gagging. Actually, the only one that was still reasonably drinkable was the gazpacho-inspired juice (tomato, onion, cucumber, pepper, garlic), but having onion and garlic for breakfast, well.

Your jaws want to do something

I had never realised it, but I missed the crunch, crackle and crunch-crunch of crispy things. No flaky croissant, no cracker, no crunchy fries from the bottom of the bag. I stood drooling as I watched the pieces of apple and celery I was putting into the juicer. Could it really be that bad if I took a bite, just so I had something to chew on? The experts’ answer: yes, it’s very bad. So I restrained myself.

Your breath starts to smell terrible

I didn’t know this because I had never been on a diet before, but experienced dieters I cautiously asked about it could confirm it: dieting makes your breath smell terrible. And it’s unbearable. I was already feeling nauseous from the taste in my mouth, but I no longer dared look anyone in the eye for fear of toxic fumes. At the supermarket I mumbled into my sleeve; if I ran into people I knew, I quickly gave a ‘oh, so busy’ wave before leaving. Because eating chewing gum would supposedly undo the entire effect of the juice cleanse, and I didn’t want that either. I kept that up for four days, after which it became a juice-and-Tic Tac cleanse, because it really was unbearable.

Your head gets weird

This was the reason I stopped: it completely made me lose it. During the first few days of the juice cleanse, I only noticed that people were snacking and nibbling in so many places. At the train platform, about half the people were chewing on something; in the city, every fifth little building seemed to be a coffee shop, restaurant or bakery. After day four, a kind of fog descended over my mind. I couldn’t think anymore. Online banking? Too difficult. Making a phone call while washing something up? That was a complete non-starter. And I was constantly losing my keys, phone, wallet and diary. Even worse: I became as emotionally unstable as a frankfurter. If you clapped your hands, I would already start crying. And after a hysterical crying fit with snot and mascara streaks when someone merely asked me to park my car somewhere else, I decided: enough of this nonsense. That first toasted sandwich after ten days of a juice cleanse was the most delicious EVER.

Also read:

• Exclusive: tomato juice from a Michelin-starred chef
• Want to lose weight? Go somewhere tropical
• Science proves it: cheese is highly addictive