Eddie’s Christmas special of food annoyances: everything that sucks about Christmas dinner
Adeline (nickname: Eddie) loves food—lots of it and often, both at home and out. Usually, that goes well, but sometimes it doesn’t. In the series Eddie’s food annoyances, you’ll read about the latter. This time: the big Christmas special, because Christmas simply has even more things to get annoyed about than usual.
Vegans moaning about people eating meat and meat eaters moaning about vegans
The opening question for an unpleasant Christmas dinner is surely: do you eat dead animals? It’s more than true that the world is going to hell because of all those enormous slabs of meat on the table. The middle-aged man then gets angry about this, because apparently you’re not allowed to do anything anymore, and the annoyances come full circle. Merry Christmas.
The time you sit down at the table
Nothing is worse than having to go to bed with the meringue still stacked at the top of your esophagus. Nobody wants that. You grumble at a potential partner, because of course it’s never your own parents who come up with this idea. But sitting down too early also deprives you of the elaborate brunch in the morning, and voilà: nobody can be made happy anymore.
An uncle reeking of wine
The horny uncle who gets a little too close and chatters loudly in your ear, surrounded by a huge red-wine stench. It’s already disgusting, but the wine fumes make the whole thing even more revolting. If you’re unlucky, there’s also a thread of a dead animal sticking out between his teeth, and you’re sickened by the thoroughly unpleasant scene.
Family members who are just a little too drunk
Another one. Having to listen intensely just to make out even a single thing from that endless babbling. If you’re unlucky, the person’s wine also sloshes dangerously over the rim, while your mother-in-law watches with bated breath, because the pearly white tablecloth used to belong to her mother.
Let the stink begin
The awful smell that clings to your clothes, hair and pores after tabletop grilling. Last weekend’s early Christmas gourmet dinner is still hanging around in my coat. For fuck’s sake. It’s also always a shame that you only think of gratinating your potatoes in those little pans on the bottom layer at the very end, when you’re already far too full, of course.
Being full
With enormous precision, you pile dish upon dish upon dish upon dish, and then you’re stuffed. Stuffed. Loosening your trousers at the dinner table doesn’t help one bit, and you burp up the previous course with every subsequent course. This isn’t even your own fault, by the way, but that of your father, mother-in-law or whichever parent cooked far too much. And if you then dare to lie down, all the courses will march straight back up.
Not that I’m going to complain about a single thing, of course—let’s keep things at least somewhat pleasant this time of year. And naturally, my family does none of this.
Read also:
- Can we stop selling food in the shape of Christmas trees?
- Types at the Christmas table
- You’ll want to make these edible Christmas baubles from Allerhande now and hang them in your tree
