Call: can we stop glorifying oysters for once?

‘Let’s have some oysters.’ That’s what people invariably say when I’m planning dinner with friends. Oysters are one of those products we’ve collectively decided you simply have to like. Because heaven forbid you don’t like oysters, truffles, or Champagne. But I don’t want to pretend yet again that I find that mouthful of ditch water absolutely delicious. Because, honestly: oysters aren’t really that tasty, are they?

Although I also have plenty to say about lobster and foie gras (so cruel to animals!), I’m turning my attention to the oyster. If you ask me, it’s the most over-priced, pointless little bite of briny sludge found on every self-respecting menu.

Do oysters taste good? Or is it make-believe?

But you can’t tell me there’s anyone who genuinely, truly likes them that much—in my opinion, we’re all just pretending.

A wet rag in my mouth

Of course, I’ve also picked and eaten oysters in a very romantic setting. And yes, it’s great fun and very convivial, and that day was almost a little arousing. Except that I keep ending up at the table half-gagging because I simply can’t stand the texture of that oyster on my tongue. And then there’s the taste. Rich, soft, almost buttery and umami?

When I put such a wet rag in my mouth, all I really taste is salt—or the abundance of toppings restaurants pile onto oysters to make them somewhat flavorful.

5 euros per oyster

Not to mention the price. In a restaurant, you’ll easily pay 5 euros per oyster, which you then slurp down in 1 second. If you ask me, they really aren’t worth the hype. There’s only one thing I do like about oysters.

Efficient reproduction

And that’s the fact that they can change sex. They often begin life as males but can switch to female over the course of their lives, depending on their environment and reproductive needs. This allows them to keep their population balanced and reproduce efficiently. Pretty remarkable, right!