Dear people, could you please stop being so openly healthy?
Adeline loves food, lots of it and often, both at home and out and about. Usually that goes well, but sometimes it doesn’t. In the Sunday Roast series, she shares her musings. This week: whether people could just stop being healthy for a minute.
Half of the Netherlands is gaining kilos in quarantine. Understandable, if you ask me. But I need to talk about the other half, because not only does this extraterrestrial species miraculously not gain weight or even lose it (how?)—they’re also so incredibly in your face about it all the time. With those green juices and huge salads with juicy tomatoes and pieces of healthy fruit. My god. Yes, we know you can do it, but show some decency toward the rest of your fellow human beings and keep that celery stick in your pants.
Apart from taking a walk in the morning, there’s not much I can do to offset my consumption pattern by exercising…
A Single Big Tasty has never tasted so good
It’s possible that yesterday afternoon’s lunch was picked up at the Breukelen exit and eaten at the next P along the A2. A Single Big Tasty has never tasted so good, and then there’s that vanilla milkshake that brings you dangerously close to a brain freeze. Passers-by in the car park may have heard cries of delight coming from a red Fiat 500, entirely caused by the big yellow M. The build-up to the order was an event in itself. Always choosing the wrong queue. The panic when someone next to you doesn’t pass on their order (!) while the employee is already speaking from the kiosk. The danger of not zipping over toward window 1. How will paying by card go? Will we get the right order? All the way until opening the bag and eating without spilling anything. And this was only lunch.
I’m still waiting to hear the first orgasmic cries caused by puréed vegetables or chia seeds…
A tub of nachos from Taco Company
Around four o’clock, it was time to open the bottle, because: it’s the weekend, after all, even though it feels as if Wednesday suddenly happens to be your day off and nobody has time to go do anything fun. Do we have anything tasty with those drinks besides four green olives per man and woman? No? No, everyone gobbled them up with drinks on Friday. Damn. How about a tub of nachos from Taco Company…? My top button rose up in very serious protest, so we settled for frozen pea soup that needed reheating. It tasted utterly unsatisfying with the film. Which led me to develop a secret love affair with that tub of nachos that never arrived.
But what about all those people who live with health freaks? Know that I’m thinking of you…
Something fried, whatever it is
I make my way through every week like a schizophrenic eater. One day I roll meatballs according to Grandma’s recipe and personally put together phenomenally good frittatas (being a little modest isn’t my strong suit), and the next day we play Bingo with the Thuisbezorgd menu. Truffle mayo? Melted cheese? Full-fat Chardonnay? Something fried, whatever it is? A pizza Calzone? Bingoooooo. But no week goes by in which I consume very little.
To hell with your salt-free homemade puréed soup
Without exception, I find healthy behavior irritating, and especially the public display of healthy behavior. Fuck off with your juice on Instagram, get your antioxidants out of my Stories, and to hell with your salt-free homemade puréed soup on Facebook. It’s a lie that ‘all your followers’ asked how to make healthy, sugar-free waffles that are inedible. We ordinary people without a Slow Juicer simply want to quietly get a little fatter in quarantine, without a green alternative. Free from public condemnation by celery sticks and juice, if possible.
PS: and if you absolutely have to purée in public, at least add a splash of vodka. For me, pretty please?
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