You don’t have an allergy, you’re just being a pain

Waiters, chefs, kitchen porters, sommeliers: they could write a book about their experiences with weird guests in the hospitality industry. But they don’t have time for that, because every evening is packed. That’s why we’re writing them down: ten tips for not annoying the waitstaff.

Freelance chefs, kitchen porters, waitstaff from beach bars, a hotel and a Michelin-starred restaurant shared their experiences with us. We promised to keep them anonymous, on our honor, and not to reveal the names of the hotels or restaurants either, because not every employer appreciates employees spilling the beans, and it isn’t always positive publicity for your business when the waitstaff are doubled over laughing in the kitchen at whatever idiotic thing the guests have come up with this time.

10 tips for not annoying the waitstaff

Everything is one hundred percent real and true – and this is probably only the tip of the iceberg. Hospitality workers of the Netherlands, let it all out!

1. Choose the right table

“We always have to laugh at couples who can’t decide where they want to sit. Over by the window? Or would you rather sit there? You decide! That table? Or that one? Or that one? And then all the way around the restaurant. We should really place bets when they come in: which table will they eventually choose?”

“I always ask people who choose a large round table for two while there are also tables for two available whether they might want to sit at one of the smaller tables. If a group comes in, I obviously can’t split them up among lots of small tables. Or people choose a table that hasn’t been cleared, which isn’t such a good idea either. Or a table that hasn’t been set. And then they don’t understand that this is rather inconvenient.”

2. Don’t rearrange the whole place

“People drag tables together, take chairs away from other tables and put another small table across them, and voilà, they can sit together in a large group after all. I understand that that’s cozy, but they seem to overlook the fact that I can no longer get past it with my divine beach body . And when the whole group has left, it looks as if we’ve just had an earthquake, because of course the tables and chairs are everywhere except where they came from.”

3. No lame jokes, please

“Cheerful, positive guests are always welcome, of course, and jokes are always fun (or I pretend they are), but I really can’t hear some comments anymore. When I ask: would you like the card payment receipt? And people say: ‘No, I can’t expense it anyway,’ I really have to restrain myself from yawning. I hear it an average of five times an evening, five evenings a week, forty weeks a year: you do the math.”

“People who call a glass of water ‘municipal tap water,’ a beer ‘yellow Spa,’ say ‘for the vitamins’ when ordering orange juice and ‘for your stroller’ when leaving a tip—I try to laugh, but sometimes I really have to dig deep.”

4. Pay attention when the food is being served

“You stand at the table with four plates and no one is paying attention. They just keep talking. Who ordered the spareribs? Who ordered the salmon? No response. Or, even worse: those are for my sister. How am I supposed to know who that is? There you are, calling out at the table with cramps in your fingers. My colleague then just puts the plates randomly on the table. I’ve walked back to the kitchen with the plates before, but that obviously doesn’t help either.”

5. Keep it real

“You wouldn’t believe the kinds of orders that sometimes come rolling out of the kitchen printer. Bread basket, but without crusts. No pineapple on the Hawaiian Burger. Poké bowl with tuna, well done. Eggs Benedict without egg. Sometimes I simply don’t know what I’m supposed to make. I mean: Caprese salad without mozzarella, basil and dressing—that’s just a sliced tomato, right?”

“In our restaurant, we naturally offer a wine pairing with the menu, but sometimes people choose something else. No problem. One guest ordered buttermilk. Luckily, there was still a carton in the staff-food fridge—what luck—but I had to figure out which glass to serve it in, because Riedel hasn’t designed glassware for that.”

6. Don’t invent weird food allergies just because you dislike something

“Celiac disease? So no gluten. Then we have to be very careful in the kitchen. Because even a cookie crumb can make someone seriously ill. When I see that same guest emptying the bread basket, I think: you don’t have a food allergy, you’re just being a pain.”

“As a chef, it’s a challenge to create a complete menu for people with a food intolerance. Most people really appreciate it. But sometimes, aaarrgggghhh. A while ago, we had a guest who couldn’t tolerate lactose, so I put a lot of work into it. Adjusting every dish, because no butter, no sauce with cream, a separate dessert, churning sorbet myself—everything. I do it gladly, but it isn’t easy. When someone like that ends the meal with a cappuccino, I do have to scream in the walk-in fridge for a moment, yes.”

“Request from the kitchen: this guest would like to look at the banana for dessert at the table first. So the banana was brought in on a tray. It couldn’t be too ripe, and not too green either, because that would trigger the allergy. The banana came back—not right. I thought I was being pranked.”

7. And if you don’t want to eat something, say so. In advance, yes.

“When making a reservation, you’re asked: do you have any dietary requirements, allergies or intolerances we should take into account? No problem, these guests ate everything. They ordered a surprise menu, so the waitstaff asked again: no likes or dislikes? No, everything was fine. When the starter was cleared, the question came: the main course isn’t beef, is it? Because we’re not allowed to eat that.”

“At a large pop venue, I’m responsible for the artists’ food. There is no professional kitchen or menu there, so I bring the food to the venue. This time: a reggae band, fifteen people strong. What did they want to eat? Chicken. Preferably no fries. So I marinated and slow-cooked chicken legs in the oven for twenty people—because the sound engineer and roadies eat too. To give you an idea: that’s a lot of chicken. The band gets off the tour bus and the manager immediately walks into the kitchen. ‘We watched the film Meat The Truth on the way here, and we’ve decided to eat vegan from now on.’ So they had to order fries after all, and my chicken ended up in the trash.”

8. Ordering isn’t a board meeting

“The terrace where I work is busy, very busy, especially when the weather is nice. I’d also rather have another colleague, but hey, I don’t make the schedules. You come to a table, sometimes after people have already snapped their fingers or waved, and only then do they pick up the menu to decide what they want to order. ‘Let’s see what they have here… Do you want coffee, darling? Or shall we have a nice beer? Something to go with it? Guys, do you want Fristi?’ And that calmly takes five minutes or so while I stand there waiting. Can we agree on this: look at the menu first, decide what you want, and only then impatiently call the waitstaff?”

9. Clean up your mess

“When clearing tables, you come across the most improbable things. Snot-filled tissues, a bag of dog poop (apparently they had just walked the dog), cigarette butts stubbed out in the sauce on the plate, empty bottles from the hotel minibar used to jazz up the coffee with milk a little. Chewing gum stuck underneath the rim of a saucer—also nasty. Especially when you put your hand in it or don’t spot it in time and the plate goes into the dishwasher. You open the door: cobweb!”

10. Keep the tip

“We have many international guests, and tipping customs aren’t the same everywhere. I believe people don’t tip in Asia, while Americans are very generous. Germans too, by the way. In general, the Dutch tip fairly decently as well—according to my American colleagues, a little too little, but okay. But with groups, things often go wrong. Even though, as waitstaff, you do a lot of work for them. Sometimes you see it happen: everyone in the group settles up with one person, who then pays the bill with handfuls of small notes and coins. They pay exactly what’s on the receipt and walk out the door jingling their friends’ tips in their pocket.”

Read also:

• How to be a dream guest in any restaurant 
• Tips: how to dine out alone 
• Dining etiquette for your (first) date